The Chinese are fond of telling spouses that
they look like each other. What seems like an absurd and possibly offensive
remark to people of other cultures makes perfect sense to the Chinese. By
virtue of living together for so many years, people begin to resemble one
another, they say. Looking alike is the end result of a long and strong
marriage. If an entire culture can accept that spouses begin to take on the
physical characteristics of each other, how much more likely is it that spouses
will take each other’s emotional timbre and habits, not just in terms of
adapting to another person but becoming like another person?
How I have changed over the years has begun to
interest me of late because it is so obvious to me that I have changed. I can
even clearly see the changes that are attributable to V, the ones that
literally are V.
Some of them are for the good:
1. I am more decisive
2. I am better at negotiating the corporate workplace, strategizing instead of being idealistic
3. I don't make such a mess of a toilet
4. I will hopefully be in control of my bank account.
5. I think before I speak
1. I am more decisive
2. I am better at negotiating the corporate workplace, strategizing instead of being idealistic
3. I don't make such a mess of a toilet
4. I will hopefully be in control of my bank account.
5. I think before I speak
And others, not so much. I realised recently
that I have been playing a kind of emotional tit-for-tat in my marriage. In
order to demonstrate to V how the things he does that he refuses to change hurt
me, I started doing them myself. Some of these ways of responding and being
have become part of me. The unfortunate thing, though, is that in adopting them
I killed some of the best parts of who I was – the empathetic one, the one who
listened, the one who pampered someone who is sick, the easygoing one. Unlike
V, who still has his good points intact, I seem to have lost all of mine. What
I am left with is a hard, bitter shell of a person. I no longer like who I am
and neither does V. And as a strategy, tit-for-tat didn’t work because I don’t
think he got the point anyway.
So I have now decided I have to thaw myself out
and unravel some of the habits I’ve formed over the past two years. I have to somehow
get back the great things about me I’ve repressed to the point of annihilation in
order to just make a point. It's going to be hard but I think I can do it. Some of those qualities are still there, buried deep down, I just have to practice being them again.
7 comments:
I can so relate to this post...no seriously...I just realised a few months ago that just to show RD how he reacts, I had started reacting in the exact same manner as he does..which is really stupid na...Thanks for putting up this post...I think this is one resolution I am definitely going to follow...Hugs
Giving what you get is something what I have been following too. But, since the husband does not see anything wrong in it anyways, there is just no change. And as you say, in the end, I have just become so different. Good or Bad, I do not know.
Oh My God! And here I am doing a tit-for-tat for everything in him that irritates him - even small things like leaving the empty dirty coffee mug where it is for days (yuck-I know) only to realise that he doesnt even know it was there in the first place :-( So he doesnt get the point anyway which ends up in another arguement. But Im not ready to give up yet...
You think its pointless then? :-(
@all
hmmm this seems more common than I thought. I think if it works as a strategy for you - i.e. the other person gets the point and you see some change of behaviour - then maybe it's worth it. But if you've gone years adopting the other person's habits, and they don't seem to change and the only change is that you have adopted something you didn't really like to begin with, then it's time to find some other way to make your point.
i dunno if tit for tat works. cos leaving things out when you WANT to put them in is annoyinger. i used to draw a line in my head, and only nag aboout things past that line, and try and nag nicely, if there is such a thing. hmmmm thank you for reminding me of the good things abuot singledom ;) and that toot oday of all days!
Hugs and good luck :)
@MinCat Hee glad to be of service. Nagging also has its pitfalls, but again can be tried and if it works, fine. It works on me - V does have to do a bit of nagging to get me to do stuff. The stuff I want him to do, however, is more emotional and therefore I don't think he could be nagged into it.
@scribby Thanks, need it!
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